yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
