so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
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