How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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