awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize