If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
