i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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