I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
