i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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