phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
