we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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