That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
