Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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