Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize