i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
