Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
