I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
