Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
