I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
