He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
