i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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