took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
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