call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
