EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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