I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
