Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
