i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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