i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
