The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize