I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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