I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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