Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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