Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
