i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
