I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
