If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
