But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
