DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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