i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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