Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
