she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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