I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
