she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
