2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
