Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
