dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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