i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
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