I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
its liver damage thursday
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
