I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
