What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
