I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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