matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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