why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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