She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
