How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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