I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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