I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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