just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm too high and old for this...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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