: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
