He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
